Top tips: how to master the art of beach changing.
If you’ve ever come out of the sea and realised that – gorgeously sunny though it might be – this British sun is never going to dry your swimming costume enough for you to comfortably put your clothes back on over it, then you need this handy guide to changing seamlessly back into your dry(ish) clothes:
1) Make sure you are in a highly public position on the beach visible from miles in every direction.
2) Ensure your towel is a little bit too small and so soggy as to be entirely useless as a drying implement.
3) When you realise that taking your wet tankini top off one handed is going to be an impossibility, try to enlist the assistance of your ‘sensible, practical, helpful’ 12 year old.
4) Realise very quickly that:
(a) This manoeuvre will involve more exposure than is warranted, even with the current ‘under boob’ trend.
(b) 12 year olds lack any real empathy and will happily leave you with half a tankini top jammed awkwardly between your neck and elbow when the going gets tough.
5) Once you have escaped from the tankini top and wrestled on a bra (staring steadfastly ahead and ignoring the startled looks of your beach neighbours) don’t lose momentum and resign yourself to staying in the ‘soggy bottoms’. Instead, you must prepare for the final flourish:
Put your long skirt back on over your tankini bottoms; whip off the bottoms with the skirt in place; and – whilst congratulating yourself on such a sensible choice of beach wear – try to pull up a pair of knickers UNDER your skirt WITHOUT flashing to the whole seafront.
6) Pause briefly at this juncture to dwell on the fact that you are currently standing in the middle of the beach with a long skirt on and a pair of pants tangled firmly around your mid-thigh.
7) Finally manage to pull up the knickers with an undignified yank and sit down fully dressed but exhausted from your trials.
And there you have it. I told you I would give you some helpful tips. Now head into the summer holidays armed with your new knowledge and ready to change on the beach like Superman (although he cheated and used a phone box) !!